Kenders' Musings

My friend Ogre needed his bi-annual bath, so several of us went tramping over to his cave to give him one......we thought about sneaking but since we bathe regularly Ogre can smell us coming, and would have suspected that we had a dirty, err, clean trick up our sleeves.

So we tramped over there loudly, talking about all the Blueberry Beer we had with us, which if you didn't know, is the best bait to catch an Ogre unawares. So once we stopped outside his cave, we yelled out that we had plenty of Blueberry beer and would he kindly join us for some, and maybe some kippers. He yelled back that he didn't trust us, because he knew it was about the time for his winter bath and he wasn't coming out but that we could come inside if we wished.

A few of us tried to sweet talk him out, like RomeoCat, who said she needed help to build a fire for the steaks she brought along, and Kit, who was in a bikini and telling Ogre that her top was coming off. It didn't do any good though.

Jay even started yelling about "EFFIN ACLU LAWYERS.....COME BACK HERE WITH OGRE'S BONE PILE", but Ogre wasn't having any of it.

That's when things got, uummm....weird.

TheMaryHunter, MadTech, Van Helsing and Rick Moran sauntered off into the woods. Those four had been sidling along by themselves at the back of the group for some time, muttering amongst themselves, and had, in fact, been late getting to the meeting point for this assault on Ogre's assaulting stench. I noticed them wandering off, but I don't think anyone else did, because most other people aren't a eagle eyed as I am.

It was about this time that Cao was standing right at the edge of Ogre's Cave, wearing a gasmask and using a bullhorn, ordering him to come outside this instance.

AlwaysOnWatch was off to the side with a priest she drug along, and he was busy blessing the soap. The water didn't need the blessing. It would pour off of Ogre like a lib running from the Truth, but that's OK, we expected that, and had a 5000 gallon water truck at the bottom of the hill, but the soap needed all the help it could get to break up six months of Grease Encrusted Ogre.

So the Priest continued to bless the soap, Cao kept yelling at Ogre, R'Cat and Kit were trying to build a fire while Jay was dancing with bones in his button holes and teasing Ogre about having his bone pile taken away to the dump when suddenly an ear piercing scream shattered the cacophony of insanity and shut everybody up.

I bet about now you're wondering "So, where were YOU during all of this Kender?"

I'm glad you asked. At the time of the scream I happened to be sitting back trying to remember the magic phrase for getting an Ogre out of a cave.

I know that phrase, I really do....anyway, this scream tears through the noise, and suddenly above Ogre's Cave is TheMaryHunter, MadTech, Van Helsing and Rick Moran, and they each have hold of a limb on this writhing human that is screaming the most inane things over and over;

"BUSHLIEDPEOPLEDIEDTHEREWERENOWMDS"

That is when I recognized the voice and the screeches, it was Markos Alberto Moulitsas Zuniga that the boys had stretched up above Ogre's Cave, and that is when I remembered the magic word to get Ogres' out of caves...

TROLLS!!!! I yelled as loud as I could, and man, let me tell you something. You've seen that movie about that great big green guy....the hulk is it? Anyway, that fellow had NOTHING on Ogre man.....luckily when Ogre runs the ground shakes, so Cao dove out of the way and missed getting run down by Ogre by a hairsbreadth. So Ogre charges out of his cave swinging his club, and one of the knots on his club snags one of the bones in Jay's button holes, sending Jay screaming through the treetops right at the boys and Markos.

I swear it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Now picture this.

TheMaryHunter, MadTech, Van Helsing and Rick Moran each are holding a limb of Markos, who is screaming bloody murder, Cao is in the dirt at the side of Ogre's cave, Kit and R'Cat have the fire starting, AlwaysOnWatch and the Priest are standing with a case of Dawn dishwashing soap and a Bible and I am standing at the back next to a pressurized firehose while Ogre watches Jay soar oh-so-gracefully straight at the boys and Markos.

Got that pic in your head?

Good.

At that moment Jay flies right through the middle of the boys and Markos, sending everyone flying, Kit and R'Cat, along with Cao, jump at a distracted Ogre, hoping in the confusion to clamp one of his legs and hold him fast for a good bath, AlwaysOnWatch and the Priest run for the front of the cave, knowing that Ogre wouldn't push aside a Man of God that had the temerity to block his doorway.

MadTech and Van Helsing, meanwhile, are tumbling down the hill, on a crash course with AlwaysOnWatch and the Priest, and I see all of this happening, knowing that Ogre is going to get back in his cave without his seasonal bath, so I did the only thing I could do, which was grab the hose and yank back on that lever that makes it work.

Boy was that a mistake. It was just like a cartoon. I went whipping back and forth everywhere, up in the air and back down, slamming off of the ground and spraying water everywhere but on Ogre. At that moment Cao, Kit and R'Cat managed to get a long rope and had run around Ogre's legs in opposite directions, effectively tripping him up, but Ogre tried to fall INTO his cave to avoid his bath.

At that precise moment the hose whipped up and sprayed across the top of Ogre's cave, knocking Markos off of his precarious ledge and sending him tumbling down. As luck would have it, Markos' legs got wrapped up in the vines above the cave entrance and he jerked to an unceremonious and bone jarring stop with his head about two feet from the ground, which is a good thing too, cuz the fall might have hurt him.

This had the fortuitous side effect of making Markos an obstacle that Ogre couldn't get pass, because as smelly as Ogre can be, one touch from Markos would probably necessitate an amputation, either of the part of Ogre that touched it, or the part of Markos that touched Ogre, most likely though, since there was a Priest present, it would have been something amputated from Markos and Ogre would have needed a Prayer Chain, ten blessings and a truck load of antibiotics before he would have been assured that he wouldn't catch whatever Markos has.

They finally grabbed me, Kit and Cao I mean, when I swooped close to the ground and got control of the hose. Kit copped a feel BTW....she said it was an accident, but I don't know....that was an awful long "accident". That is when we realized that we didn't have any rags to scrub on Ogre with. I went through my pack, and after finding some very interesting things, none of which would have been good for scrubbing an Ogre with, I found my blog.

So I used my blog to scrub Ogre with.....but that's not why it is so much lighter in color....nope....it was still pretty dark when I got done using it to wash Ogre, not to mention greasy, but the thing is.....it smelled...funny....and not "funny-ha-ha", but more like "funny-I'm-gonna-hurl" or "Funny-I-think-I-smelled-this-in-a-fish-processing-plant-once". So I bleached it. Anyway, we got Ogre tied down, washed up and dried off. Did you know that he's ticklish?

We took Ogre into town for some real Blueberry beer afterwards, mostly because he was a pretty good sport about it all, and he didn't get too mad at Cao when she smacked him in the head with one of the brushes after he told Kit for the hundredth time that he wasn't clean "down there" and could she soap him up again.

When we got back Markos was gone.....I guess he fell down after we went to town. Ogre says he's gonna need to disinfect the whole place now, and may just as well set fire to everything. Ogre says you can never really get liberal stink out once it gets into the country side. I have a sinus infection right now so I asked Ogre what liberal stink smells like.

He says it smells like San Francisco.


linked@TheMaryHunters and Cao's