The Imaginary Book
Gimme some love
Warning Will Robinson!
Feel free to post comments, rants, or even personal attacks. It simply shows your wish for taunting if you do the latter.
You can say anything you want here. But if you get stupid I reserve the right to point it out, call you lots of inventive names and laugh like hell.
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Blogs I Like
Note: "right" either means this blogger is correct or that they lean right. I know what I mean by it. How do you take it?
- RG in The Low Country!(Right)
- Mackers World(Right)
- Ric and Georgina at Release The Hounds!(Right)
- RN at Dead Republican Presidents!
- Kat, sometimes in pajamas!
- Madtom at ThisFuckingWar! (Right)
- Michael J. Totten sets things straight!(Right)
- Maxedoutmama is a research Goddess!(Right)
- Andrightlyso! smacks on idiots!(Right)
- Where's Your Brain?(Right)
- Warm'n'fuzzy conserva-puppies>(Right)
- Crymeariverbend2 has a gnarly truth stick!(Right)
- Jeffrey at IBC is HQ for Iraqi bloggings(Right)
- The Sandmonkey cuts through the APU!(Right)
- The Lone Ranger
A Man of Rare Integrity! (Right)
- Out of the Ashes(Right)
- Tazmedic(Right) (Read the archives!)
- Amandarin(Right) (A clever friend from the other side of the street)
- Literal Lunacy
A Most Beloved Friend!
The Other Side Of The Street
(for NY Libs)
The name say it all
See? I told you I had a liberal friend!!!
And find the perfect little gift
To make our loved ones smile
Give their hearts a little lift
Jewelry, games and dolls galore
Knick knacks, doo dads and the like
A new train set, some roller skates
Don't forget the new red bike
Grandma gets some new plush slippers
Dad gets yet another tie
While we hurry to and fro
And never stop to wonder why
Why do we run so frantic
When the greatest gift of all
Was given to us long ago
When He was born within a stall
He came to do the laundry
Washed the sin right from your soul
Walked on water, healed the lepers
Fed the masses with a loaf
His life gives hope and promise
Of eternity unbound
Within His story all the lessons
Of Salvation can be found
So as you scurry quickly
In this season of the cold
I want you to remember
The Greatest Story Ever Told
No gift on Earth can equal
What the Lord above has done
He sent us our salvation
When He Sent His only Son
I now one thing....if I were in the military at this moment I would sleep with one eye open and a gun in my hand if I had muslims in my unit.....religion of peace my ass.
We don't care what you want to tell your kid at home but you shouldn't be telling our kids that in school. We don't care about your twisted warped, weak ass, socialist ideas, they were NOT what this country was founded on. This country was founded on the idea of the individual not the collective. You want that? Move to europe and do me a favor, tell them as soon as all you panty-waisted socialist twits get over there the good ol' U.S. of A. will step back and let europe pay for their own national defense and we'll see how long that welfare state lasts.
I know a bunch of you are thinking America is going the way of europe.
The leaders in D.C., as many of you have finally (possibly too late) realized are pushing us towards socialism. This infuriates me. It terrifies me. It also gives me courage. I don't have a lot in the world in the way of material possessions. I don't have much money and live (for now) at what would be, if I were alone in this world, a poverty level. What I do have is family and friends which gives me more riches than any king ever knew for I know they stand beside me not because of what I can give them but for who I am.
Most important to me in this world is my son. My brilliant, precocious son. He has a heart as big as the world, endless potential and a mind that I have learned eclipses that of his mother and I when we were his age. In a world of unbridled freedom and equal opportunity, where he could rise as high as his intellect and ambition could take him he could be an unstoppable force, achieving goals I simply cannot imagine.
In a world of socialist statism, where the goal is equal outcomes, not equal opportunity, he will be hobbled, constrained by the natural order of people not as intelligent or ambitious or even as lucky as others who are raised up artificially by a government led not be the tenets of Liberty but by the tenets of "fairness."
This shall not happen on my watch and if it does it won't be because I sat around unwilling to back my words with actions, letting the sacrifices of better men who have gone before me meaningless and allowing my son to live in a world where freedom is simply an abstract concept.
I will NOT let these socialist bastards steal my country and my liberty without a fight. We are quickly approaching the time when words will be useless and sides must be chosen. Either one believes in the greatness of the human spirit unbridled to lift themselves up or they believe we are incapable and simply subjects of those who would "lead" us as lambs are led to slaughter.
Call me an extremist, call me a terrorist or call me a patriot, by your words will I know where you stand. By your words will I know whether you are friend or foe. By your words shall you live or die a free man beside me or a slave to tyrants.
The last soldier laid to rest
The final battle fought
And we've passed the final test
When the last poppy withers
In the grass of Flanders Field
When the last man surrenders
When the last soldier yields
When the wars have all ended
When peace reigns supreme
When the guns have fallen silent
When the world is serene
When we know of no more bloodshed
And we learn to live as one
Using words to settle things
Instead of using guns
We'll know we fought the good fight
Paid the price the piper said
Giving honor to our fallen
Singing songs about our dead
We'll build cairns to those old soldiers
Make their grave a hallowed ground
And swear we're done with fighting
When the last note sounds
For our charge will start at dawn
Only time will tell our fate
If we will die or live on
The horses stamp their feet upon
Frozen winter ground
Our general has brought us here
Where destiny is found
Our names they do not matter much
Nor the war in which we fight
The battle we are in is the same
By dawns cool early light
Through eras have we fought this war
With musket, sword and gun
We've died a warriors lonely death
Neath countless noonday suns
Our honor is for us alone
As our blood stains the earth
But we live on in stories told
Around a blazing hearth
So sing our song of battle lust
Speak well of our brave deeds
The tales of glory for our sons
Will plant the fertile seeds
To grow the noble patriots
So Freedom will not wane
So raise the lads to fight for us
Or we'll have died in vain
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, they don’t buy one. Since a liberal doesn’t like guns, then no one should have one.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, they don’t eat meat. If a liberal is, they want to ban all meat products for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, they quietly enjoy their life. When a liberal is homosexual, they loudly demand legislated respect.
If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him..
If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be taken off the air.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. When a liberal is a non-believer, he wants all churches to be silenced.
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.. When a liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that his neighbors pay for his.
There was a time in the not-so-distant past when "liberal" meant "anything goes" - "love the one you're with" - "free love" and all that. Those were the days when I personally thought liberals just wanted to be perpetual adolescents. Not anymore - the whole ideology has taken on a creepy feel to it. Now instead of mere irresponsibility, we've added government as the parent - the police - the overseer of your life. Because, I guess, the assumption is people are too dumb to make their own decisions. But when looking at Pelosi and those who are in charge of making the decisions...I shudder as I watch what they're doing; and my stomach gets literally queasy when I think of what lies ahead.
Now that your President is in office and you have gotten to see exactly what he stands for and what he is about I have a small request. You see, Obama's Spread the Wealth policies are, due to the size of government, a bit slow and I am not going to get anything from Obama spread my way for awhile. That's where you come in.
Flatly put I want you to prove your dedication to Obama's spread the wealth policy and give me money. Sure, I didn't and will do nothing to earn your money, but that is not the point is it? The point is to spread the wealth around. It doesn't matter how much you spread either, although 10% would be a good start but I would feel like a church if you did that so let's say 40% of what you make. Too much? How about 50%?
Seriously...if you believe in these policies put your money where your mouth is and use the donate button in the left hand column and show me the money. I promise all funds will be used to prop up the economy at the local bar and gun store and my brother has even pledged to use some of these funds to help support several single mothers.
Balls in your court. Thanks for your support
I am looking forward to long island...
I cant believe how much I am on stage this year...
I also cant believe I get to perform at the laugh factory in hollywood...
Florida was a great time and I am looking forward to the next trip there...
I think I have finally decided on what bike I am getting next week...
They made the L.A. County fair longer this year which means more money for me...
I am also looking forward to the run of faire coming up...I think I have 3 shows a day...
The Dallas show may be postponed...
The Chicago one wont be...
Nor will Ohio or San Francisco...
My Riverside fans are now sending me their poetry...
I want to go ice skating with Shel again...
The latest article I sold is about facebook...
Cowardice pisses me off...
I think the state should go after deadbeat dads girlfriends too...
The concept of a mental midget in a family of intelligentsia would make a good sitcom...is "intelligentsia" too big a word for someone with an IQ of 80?
I think the part of the patriot act that connected states, so if you owe money to one state none of the states will issue you a license for anything is a good thing...
I think they should lock deadbeat dads in jail...
I know a dead beat dad...and aside from the state he owes many people mucho dinero...they'll never see it though because, well, he's a deadbeat...funny thing about that is, the ways the laws are set up he will never be able to get out from under it...and will die broke after ruining countless more lives...I think it will make a good movie....we could call it the good, the stupid and the broke-ass-deadbeat dad.
We can get the kid that played Corky to play the dead beat dad...but he's gonna need to dumb it down a bit, because frankly a guy with downs syndrome is simply smarter than the deadbeat dad I know...
Even if he doesn't drool...
I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I have learned, and I promise I will never, ever do so again.
So, I called animal control, and the moron who answered the phone blathered on until he talked to "an officer." Then he said that the officer would be out "to investigate." She came out (about 8 hours later) and took a report. Yes, the dog had a current rabies shot. No, I don't know anything about the skunk. Sure, go ahead and send the head off for rabies check. Everything was fine.
Three hours later, the phone rang.
The "investigator" was calling. She suddenly explained that they were not going to send the head off to determine if it had rabies (I didn't care, because the dog had his shots). But, oh, by the way -- I had three days to get a booster shot for the dog. And by the way, on Monday (this all happened on Saturday), the department would be following up to check on the rabies information I had provided them.
In other words, the call, as I interpreted it:
"You have three days to pay money to get another state-mandated shot, despite already having the state-mandated shot. If you do not, you will be jailed. And we are going to investigate you on Monday to determine if you already have the state-mandated shot. If the number you provided us does not match our records, we will also jail you."
Holy friggin crap.
I plan on doing not a damn thing on Monday. I already vaccinated my damn dog. If the damn vaccination isn't any good, why the hell did I vaccinate the dog? If the damn state wants to come take my dog, I will resist them. If they want to friggin arrest and jail me for not paying for a "booster" shot for the damn vaccination I already paid a state-mandated fee for, they can damn well arrest me. If the sorry-ass "animal investigator" calls me, I'm not answering the damn phone. If the sheriff shows up, he can stand outside and suck eggs until he breaks down my damn door over a damn "booster" shot.
Government really, really sucks. I've always known it, but this is more than enough for me. I've known government sucks, but this is I guess what it takes to make it personal.
I have to classify myself as an anarchist, if this is what government looks like.
So chris and ashles, thank you for stopping by. If you make it to L.A. feel free to stop by the laugh factory in hollywood when I am on stage and dont forget to pick up a copy of my book on your way out....I might even be nice enough to sign it for you.
Like a hawk
On an updraft
As a flower
On a summers morn
My heart soar..
As cool water
Riotous in the tumult
Of your absence
Serene in the gentleness
As you lay beside me
Does your love carve
Your name upon my heart
Deeper as it runs
Swift and true
The landscape of my soul
And your love
Don't worry about it
It'll be ok
As the bailouts fly
More money is spent
While regular folks
Barely make the rent
Fifty two million
Cast a vote
For a jug eared fool
Who's a shady joke
Now many of you
Have rightly concluded
Are just deluded
You cannot fix
This mess of ours
And makers of cars
We need some fiscal
No more sitting
On the fence
It's time to tell
Those lazy jerks
Get off your ass
Get back to work
No one owes you
And here's the rub
The things you need
To live your life
A house, a car
A lovely wife
A job, some food
To get these things
It's up to you
When these you get
From Uncle Sam
You steal our freedom
It's just a sham
The money I make
Should belong to me
To save or spend
It's mine you see
So take this warning
Heed it well
Your bailout plan
Was made in hell
Those who voted
For this thief
Will soon wake up
And learn of grief
When liberty's gone
And we're all slaves
We'll beg for death
And an early grave
So what will we give
For freedoms life
Are we willing
Our fortunes, our honor
Even our lives
Great men did strive
And spill their blood
How far will you go
I know for me
No cost too high
No price too steep
To live in freedom
And not as sheep
What price my friends
What will it be
To live as slaves
Not I says me
Rally up lads
The pipes are callin
And some of us
Will sure be fallin
But when we water
With the blood of friend
And foe you see
She grows much larger
Her roots go deep
While 'neath her
Many brave men do sleep
We meet at dawn
The field to take
So find your heart
For Freedoms sake
Led to freedom ringing clear
We've kept the fire burning bright
For two hundred plus years
Now the tide has turned agin us
Our freedom is being sold
Where is the courage we once had
The patriots so bold?
A once great country gasps her last
She withers in the field
While government as cancer grows
Lady Liberty does yield
So is this it? oh shall we quit?
Should freedom fade away?
Is this the final curtain call
Has freedom seen its day?
HELL NO I say as I rise up
My rifle in my hand
I'll not lose my liberty
I'll not lose my land
So stand with me brave patriots
Against the rushing tide
No longer shall we silent stand
No longer will we hide
No longer will their words hold sway
No longer will they steal
The freedom God has given us
No longer will we yield
We stand atop the parapets
Our trumpets blowing loud
To spread the truth of Freedoms Call
Throughout the gathering crowd
Grab your coat, pick up your gun
Take up the battle cry
Be ready for the coming war
And keep your powder dry
Or some Irish whiskey straight
And before the devil knows you're dead
May ye be at heavens gate
Drink up and sing of Danny Boy
And curse the English way
You'll never get no better folks
You're all Irish today
Or so the mintrel sings
Tis long way to ulster town
Lest you are blessed with wings
Tis a long way from birth to death
If a lucky clean life ya lead
Tis a long way from few to plenty
If ye dont plant the seed
Long travels I have roved thru lass
Long years upon the road
The longest trip a man can take
Is to a heart I'm told
But precious life has blessed to me
The knowledge of the heart
No matter the length of the road to your love
Its a short road to be apart
So tread softly and treat 'em right
Say nuthin to upset 'em
For if you anger a sweet colleen
You'll never get to wed 'em
I pledge to give as much of a chance to Obama as his sycophantic cultic moonbat contingent gave Bush for eight years
I pledge to contribute to global warming
I pledge to increase foreclosures on the unwashed masses
I pledge to exploit the poor and the weak
I pledge to grind my heel into the working mans back
I pledge to tell more racist jokes
I pledge to hire more illegals, and screw American workers
I pledge to pay my illegal workers lower wages
I pledge to destroy the environment
I pledge to club more baby seals
I pledge to wear more fur
I pledge to eat more meat
I pledge blindly hate people not like me
I pledge to be greedier
I pledge to be meaner
I pledge preach at you more, and tolerate you less
I pledge to work for war, because there is no money is peace
I pledge to laugh at stupid celebrities who think pledges will change the world
I pledge to be more close minded, spout more platitudes and believe in utterly empty kumbuy-friggin-yah measures while the wolves howl at the door.
What’s your pledge?
I pledge to treat their president as they treated mine, to treat them as they treated us, because together we can, together we are and together we will be following sheep.
What's your pledge?
First off, I am wondering, if we change the name of fish to sea kittens will we have a nickname for fish as we do for land cats? Land cats (for those who may live under a rock or are completely obtuse) are also called pussycats. I am certain I don’t have to lay out the obvious thought following the preceding one other than to say a whole new world opened up before me with PETA’s latest campaign.
The problems start with men and where our brains are located. Many women believe we tend to think with our stomachs. Other females believe our thought processes emanate from a little lower on the male anatomy. For us males, the prospect of confusing the pleasurable past time of fishing and eating fish with the sometimes equally gratifying diversion of lovemaking will no doubt cause our brains to cramp up and our heads to explode, thus denuding planet Earth of males capable of reproducing.
But simply calling fish something cutesy sounding won’t change the fact that they are still slimy, pointy-headed, bug-eyed but tasty creatures. It’s the confusion sown by this radical change that will no doubt make speaking about carnal delights and lunch even more interchangeable and take the connection between them to a rhetorical level never before imagined except in the minds of perhaps Larry Flynt or Camille Paglia.
I am thinking a sea kitten sandwich sounds much more exotic than a “Filet-O-Fish,” but a seapussy sandwich is in the realm of the unknown. What about catfish? Would it now be catkitten? Or catpussy maybe? It’s probably a good thing former major league pitcher James “Catfish” Hunter has left this world otherwise he would have to be known as “Catkitten” Hunter — not the kind of nickname that would ordinarily land one in the Hall of Fame. And what about SpongeBob’s loyal sidekick Patrick the Starfish? Would he now be known as Patrick the Star-Seakitten? Or the Star-Seapussy cat?
New troubles also arise in the world of sport fishing. When a man tells his wife he is going trolling, she’ll look askance at him while making certain he takes the boat with him when he leaves the house. After all, if you say you are heading out to go “kittening” and tell the wife you will be bringing some seapussy home for dinner, well, I can see the trouble brewing now with PETA’s misguided attempt to save the animals, even the tasty ones. Try it on your wife tonight and see what happens.
Other possible changes are whitefish being known as white kitten (whitepussy being trademarked by the aforementioned Mr. Flynt) and swordfish becoming sword kittens, which sounds a lot like some dagger-weilding, anime superhero. The problem of walking into a pet store and asking for kitten food is going to cause confusion not seen since Clinton muttered something about what the definition of “is” is.
On the other hand, I envision a whole new industry of sea kitten recipe books. The Brits would also have a grand time with this change of nomenclature. A nation that eagerly scarfs down seapussy and chips at lunch every day may actually help bring about world peace. Millions of kids eating seapussy sticks for school lunch, however, are certain to get Dobson and his bunch in an uproar.
Another great angle to this whole insane plan is the phrase “fishing expedition” to denote someone who is simply “casting about” in hopes of finding incriminating evidence. The phrase “sea kitten expedition” is simply too unwieldy, but the phrase “sea pussy expedition” makes it sound as it you are searching for lustful mermaids.
By far the most egregious changes which will take place must be the ones to be foisted on us when churches everywhere start giving sermons about the loaves and the seakitten. No matter how awkward the phrase, get used to it because no preacher in his right mind is going to do a sermon on the loaves and the seapussies. (If you hear of one, let me know. Now that’s a sermon I don’t want to miss.)
This is obviously not a well thought out plan by the radical anti-people screwballs, and to tell you the truth, the concept of renaming fish as sea kittens has me laughing so hard I can barely type. It also makes me wonder if anyone at PETA gave an ounce of serious thought before saying, “Hey, yeah, let’s try to get people to associate fish with kittens.” However, that is not really the worst of it.
The worst comes when we get stuck on stupid and let a bunch of misguided goofballs start making us feel guilty for eating ugly animals that taste good in some sad attempt to save the planet. God gave us ugly animals so we wouldn’t feel bad about eating them. That’s a fact. It’s in the Bible somewhere.
At the end of the day I only have two questions running through my head. First, if sea kitten tastes so good might not land kitten be tasty also? And second, where can I go to get a tuna seapussy taco?
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