Kenders' Musings

So we have a world that seems to have a very bad view of us here in the states, seeming to believe we are a country of fat, racist imperialists sitting on our asses all day watching illegal aliens do all of our work while we spend our time munching fast food in our aircraft carrier sized SUV's figuring out how to get even more money and keep the minorities oppressed and beholden to us.

Well they couldn't be more wrong.

First off my SUV is only the size of a frigate and fast food is the quickest epicurean path to heart disease so I only eat organic foods grown and bought using fair trade practices from a store that treats it's employees well (Trader Joe's anyone?) except on Taco Tuesdays at Del Taco. That is when I go spend a few dollars at the drive thru to get a bag of tacos from a girl making minimum wage. She barely speaks english and works for a huge corporation that would be able to replace her at the drop of a hat and since I do that you can't call me racist because I am contributing to her income by making sure she has a job by supporting her company by buying their great cheap tacos every tuesday afternoon.

Now I am not saying we here in the states are perfect. Our imperialist designs on the rest of the world have pretty much come to naught, as we keep forgetting to actually stick around in the countries whose asses we whip running the place and stealing all of their wealth. We stupidly keep rebuilding them and trading with them and letting them run their own business. Maybe we'll get the hang of this whole imperialist thing soon, and one would think that having watched Great Britain be an empire for years we would know what to do but we keep messing it up.

The fact that we were one of the causes of the British Empire crumbling is irrelevant. That doesn't mean we aren't imperialists ourselves. Why do you think we got away from the Brits in the first place? Because we wanted to be the imperialists for awhile.

We probably should have taken better notes in Imperialism 101 and not stuck to our system of rebuilding our enemies homelands after we leveled them. Consider this, we rebuilt Japan and Europe after double you double you two and what have we reaped for our troubles? Trading partners, allies and in the case of Japan a country that has created the most cutting edge electronics the world has seen since those aliens left and promised to come back to pick up the Scientology folks.

Another thing that bugs me is the way we send so much help after any disaster anywhere on the globe, even when that help is unwanted like with the recent typhoon in Burma. Sorry, I will continue to call it Burma. Being an imperialist means things have the names I give them and what the locals want to call themselves is irrelevant in much the same way that resistance is futile, it is what it is, deal with it.

You see, we spend a lot of time and treasure (so to speak) sending that aid to places that are in need of it and it rarely works the way it's is planned. That aid is our way to sneak in the back door, so to speak, and take over the place.

So actually the Burmese government was wise to keep our aid from being spread around the country. Didja' ever notice that everytime we send "aid" somewhere we end up running the country the receives it? Well, O.K., so that plan hasn't worked yet either. But that's why we built a secret weapon to cause earthquakes, hurricanes and typhoons. Because someday that plan will work. The typhoon that hit Burma was a natural one, as none of us had the foresight to suggest hitting Burma with a typhoon, yet (they are way down on the "to do" list that Karl posted on the bulletin board in Halliburton's office in Area 51) but it worked out well, as it kept the press busy while we worked on some stuff behind the scenes in france an iran.

So yeah, we have fallen down in our attempts to be imperialistic and we're sorry for that and we'll try to do better. I know the only reason you folks out there in other countries are angry with us is either because we have fallen down on the job or you're anxious to become a part of the Great Global American Empire.

Now I admit we have not carried along the imperialist tradition like England, The Dutch, the french, the romans, or like everyone else who had an empire throughout history but ya gotta cut us some slack, we're just getting the hang of this whole empire stuff and it's gonna take some time for us to get good at it, but when we do watch out. And if you are one of the anxious ones that just want to hurry up and get your slice of the American Pie be patient, well get to you just as soon as we are done in the middle east.

Anyway, to all those haters out there in the whole wide world that are angry at our imperialistic ways stay calm, we're getting better at it everyday, and as soon as we can we'll be stopping by with some aid for whatever disaster has creamed your little pisspot of a country this month so we can start running your lives and stealing your wealth as well.