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    The Wide Awakes

    In breaking news Washington state has announced they are ceding from the US to Canada. This has, as one would imagine, caused a flurry of activity in both Congress and Canadas' Parliament.

    Congress has begun drafting a bill to sell Washington to Canada for one USD, with anonymous sources in Washington DC saying "We don't really need the state of Washington, we only kept it around to avoid charges of discrimination from the lumberjack lesbian activist groups."

    Canadas' Parliament meanwhile has also met in emergency session to draft legislation barring Washington state from being able to join Canada, with a spokesman stating "While we have the utmost love and respect for the very green state of Washington, our lumberjacks here are already having a hard time finding work, and the influx of the lumberjack lesbians would only strain relations between the US and Canada eh."

    Canada has put all 12 of its' Mounties on alert to be ready to go to the Washington Canada border to stop anyone from illegally entering Canada should Canada bar Washington from joining up. Meanwhile the ACLU has refused to send monitors to stop the Canadians from practicing the "unlawful imprisonment", as ACLU of Arizona spokesman Ray Ybarra called it, that is currently being practiced by the Minuteman Project along the southern border of the US.

    Some in the Canadian government are wary of taking its' entire force of Mounties to the border of Washington state and leaving the border of New York unguarded for fear of an invasion of New Yorkers in search of donuts. New Yorkers outside of the city have been under intense criticism to give up donuts, which activists in New York City have deemed not only bad for you but a "red state food". Calling for an end to donut sales in the state, activists claim they are not only concerned about the health of their fellow citizens, but consider "red state food" being sold in the state to be tacit appoval of Bushs foreign policy, and boycotting donuts has been called "patriotism at its finest" by both the ACLU, which supports banning donuts for health reasons, and Gloria Allred.

    Donut shop owners have petitioned the New York State government for aid during the crisis, claiming that the anti-donut campaign is funded by bagel bakers and New York City delis. While no proof of this allegation has been found suspicion began to run higher as the anti-donut campaign unvieled two new slogans yesterday, "Donuts Kill" and "What Gout?"


    In late breaking news Canada has said that even if it wanted to buy Washington state from the US, one USD is too steep a price after looking at its' finances and realizing that their system healthcare and car insurance has brought them to the brink of bankruptcy. One Canadian spokesman said "At least we can still file for bankruptcy here."

    The development of Congress considering selling Washington to Canada has other "blue" border states worried about the US government selling them off to Canada, with New York governor George Pataki saying "We wish the US government to notice that almost all of our counties were "red", and that if they do consider selling off anything to Canada, perhaps they should just sell New York City."

    The Canadians responded vehemently, with a spokesman saying "We can't handle that big of a rise in crime, eh."


    More on this story as it develops.
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